A look through my window.

A look through my window-I've been really narrow minded lately. Now.

Ask me what's on my mind. Right now.

I feel like screwing myself off the cliff. I feel as if I could kill myself with just a lomo. I feel like swimming across the seven seas. (Well, since I can't swim. Really.That's what I thought.)

***

Now ask me what's wrong.

I think I screwed my ATCL Recital. Of 365 days in the year of 2009, I'd picked 4th of December to be one of the worst day of my life.

I wouldn't say that I entirely screwed and flushed away my whole recital, but it felt so insecure0. It's the different kind of feeling I'm having now. Not like how I felt when I left the room last two years when I took my Grade 8.

If you scrutinise my face, all you have is a careworn, sick crow look.

I'd never felt so uncertain about myself and my own performance before. But, what I'm sure is I manage to kill all butterflies in my stomach before my own recital. I woke up this morning feeling so calm. As if I'd just ended my metamorphosis. I even managed to distract myself of all the nothingness and numbness by reading New Moon. All, but one thing I left. I failed to control my sweat glands in my hand. It's like I have hyperhidrosis. And just by sweating, my body can get dehydrated.

Fine, I'll now admit that I had several slips in practically all of my songs. I thought I could made it through with at least one song which ran right! But, I guessed I was wrong. Berkeley's Concert Study in E flat was running so well. Desperately well! Overwhelmingly well. Until I finally screwed my last page. Of all pages, my last page!

I doubt that I'm anywhere near the passing mark.

I'm so sure that I'm not anywhere near the passing mark.

Maybe that's why before I left, the examiner asked me "So tell me, did you enjoyed yourself just now? Playing?"

Without thinking, or even taking a breath in, I answered so spontaneously, "Yes! Of course! I did."

Then he said, "Right, that's what's most important!"

I think he's now willing to fail me. He's failing me. He's gonna make me fail. He won't pass me. He won't give me a pass. He won't let me through with a diploma after all.

After two years of "hard" practice, all the time, all the money. I'm so sorry to have wasted everything. To have everything down the drain. To have everything back to square one.

I feel so pessimistic right now.

Oh, just screw me.

I wish I could, but how?

WOAH! I've got a million and one doubts on my ATCL Recital which will be coming up next Friday. I feel like burning myself a joss stick so that the incense would linger on and on and hopefully it can kill all those butterflies in my stomach.

Boom, boom, boom!

I read through so many forums and sites (though some helped, many didn't because they just add in more nervousness into me) to clear all my doubts.

I'm not sure if I'm suppose to introduce my songs before starting my recital. From a forum I read yesterday, an furious tutor commented that the examiner criticised her student for not able to speak out loud enough. But, as I remember, the ATCL Recital doesn't require speaking as its main assessment since the viva voce session isn't in this Diploma.
I'm scared, I have doubts to clear.

Good news is that, I cleared this doubt already! I felt more relieved. Its about the timing. Yesterday night I was wondering if the timing should include the break times and all, but this site cleared my doubt! Kudos!

***

Passing mark would be 60. I think I can't sleep till I figure a way to get a 60! I definitely don't want to fail it, especially if you take into account the total expenses and fees used to prepare myself for this exam. Not to mention the amount of time and sweat and pains. I would mourn for 100 days if I really fail. Touch wood.

I have a mock recital tomorrow morning. (Minus the dressing, of course) My teacher manage to gather about 10 "strangers" to show up in the room for 40 minutes. Of course I would thank all of them for wanting to come. (Frankly, I don't know anyone who's willing to listen to my whole recital patiently.)

Every night before I go to sleep, I spent my time praying. I honestly wish (!) that it all goes well for me, just like how my Grade 8 went. I honestly want to fair well in this ATCL too. I wish I could, but how?

Nyah! Stupid question? But I seriously don't know the correct answer to it. Guess this must be the game of Life. :)

Baby Bugger - I'm a spoiler because you never know.

So much frust and frets I did on my little baby telephone for this few days. Apparently, it has been really rebellious to me.

You see, if it really is good to me, the screen layout will be perfect and clear, just like this one.

But I don't know what meant wrong. It turned out to be like this.

Each time I lock my keys and screen using the keyguard or each time the screen turns out automatically, this will happen. I tried lots and lots of ways - from resetting it's factory settings to searching about my phone's problem using Uncle Google. (quotes Chin Win)

What surprises me is that, I can't find anyone complaining about this bug. Instead there're lots more other problems...which are not any concern or close to my problem.

***

One night, I dreamt I upgraded my phone's firmware and the bug is gone! I woke up early the next morning just to upgrade my phone's software, hoping it must be a sign from the above which is telling me, THAT'S THE ONLY WAY!

(This is because I pray every night before I go to sleep, hoping my baby will be alright the next day.)

Now, the baby carries its latest software, V31.0.101 BUT the bug is still here!

***

You know, I'm never a upgrade-the-firmware type of person. This is because, I'm labelled as a spoiling machine at home. Yes, I'm extremely professional in ruining stuffs.

I remember once, when I deleted the firmware off my MP3 player! I was so shocked and I thought I spoiled it. Don't ask me how I do it, but I just amazingly deleted the whole software of my player, and at that time, my player was only 1 year old. By God's miracle, I manage to download the firmware from it's site again, and install my player as it is. Hallelujah.

Now, ask me about watches. I'm good in spoiling watches too. That explains why I seldom wear watch, though I can be real clumsy in a rush. Let's see, I broke every glass of my watch. I think this happens because I always swing my hand, and crash! there land my watch flat on the wall. Yeah, I put no mercy to those little time-telling machines.

Another one! I'm really good in breaking chairs! Hell, yeah! Come pay my house a visit - you can catch a chance to see all the broken chairs in my dining. How I do it? I sit on it using two legs (you know, like how Previn sits on a chair every time) and swing and swing till it drops, and it breaks and TADAA! That's how I do it. I even broke a new teak chair dad bought. It's still at the living hall. Look closely to those chairs in my house, every piece were broken by me.
(This explains much why I seldom rock my chair two-leggedly anymore. XD)

Guess, now I'm killing my telephone too. I hope not! It's not even one year yet! and most importantly, I love it so much I kiss it more than once every day! Plus, I didn't drop it hard at all, not even once. I didn't wet it before. But, I just don't know why the screen goes all fuzzy.

***

Talk about the new firmware now?
My phone responds so much quicker now! The entire music application had changed! The icons, the colours and also the tabs in messaging. And what I realised was, my internet app runs a lot faster. Loading pages are way quicker and connections are more secured.

It looks...better. It feels better (?) - not in my case. Yet.

The screen's still fuzzy!

Love Story (Seriously)

Yesterday was fun, awesome, fantastic, you name it, yeah, we got it!


Lights, cameras, invitations, red carpets - those are so 4B man!
Look at our menu! It sounded so...classy. A big hand to Yee Fung! :)

Yes, class party - a lunch (it wasn't really formal you know, since teacher wasn't present) at Las Caretas.

We practically had the time of our year yesterday. With the "quite-hyped-up" dancefloor, which only consists of LIESL AND NISSSSHTA! and some other guys.

4B can really dance. Really.
4B can really eat. (Despite the fact that Shaun gobbled up a huge amount of apple pies, I can't doubt it)
4B can really study. And that's why our class is super awesome. :D

Waiting patiently for every photo we took yesterday!

<3

Oh, my Henry DeTamble

I dreamt myself bathed in milk in a tub. Oh my, how I wish I can be loathe with such happiness and relaxation. Probably I'm still far from that sort of lifestyle. Work harder, my dear. Word harder.

December 4th is approaching, but I'm still in my lingering mood. Now delaying every hour and wasting every time I have. I told myself, I'll practice after I finish The Time Traveler's Wife.


Oh, thank you Kenneth for borrowing me the book. I finished it already. I feel super deep right now, all thanks to this masterpiece.

Honestly, this book is deep and very fragile. It's so different from Coming Home or P.S. I Love You or A Walk To Remember. It actually left me thinking after finishing hundreds of pages of it. It made me think a lot. My mind strayed so far from reality.

It embraces a test of faith...patience, waiting, endurance, etc.

It's more like, I portrayed myself as Clare. And Henry as Eric Bana. (Oh, so hot!)

"Why is Love intensified by absense?"

"I put her heart close to mine, for safekeeping..."

Thoroughly, I didn't cried as much for this book. But, I feel super fragile, but tears still haven't leak out of my eyes. But alas, when Henry finally died, that's when the sad part occurs. Streams and streams of tears poking out.

Extremely.....revoking and.......erotic.

I think the author is a pro. She writes like a super genius, in every field that she wrote, she showed deep understanding it that certain topic. She can talk from biological terms - dopamine - to drugs, to music - Wagner, Bartok, Strauss, to German, French, even the scenes where they made love, she explained it so...precisely (?)


Cover version of Asian edition. Gosh, I suck. This is lame.

Overall, Henry isn't the perfect lover in the book. He is a fucked-up organism (quotes the book). Yea, he drinks and takes drugs and sleeps around. Oh, let me tell you something too. Clare isn't all that faithful to Henry as well.

Mehhh, I need to catch the movie. Quick!

As for now I gotta think of a way to return the book back to Ken, safe and soundly. Sorry if you find the book a little less perfect. :D

December Fraud

December intentionally deceive me like a wallaby. It set up a trap to lock me in an agonising situation. December 4th, I shall mark it. Mark you down, I won't walk away like how I sounded in every previous posts.

[I got to know about my ATCL date a week before finals. My teacher even pranked me. She told me that my exam is two weeks from that day. I cursed. Because if it was really two weeks from that day, it'll clash horribly with finals. And all the commotion of teacher and parents will happen again.

Before I could start taking up my breath again, my teacher told me, the day is December 4th. She pranked me. Way to go!]

I was scared, and deadly worry. I am afraid and horribly scared to think of the day - a Friday. I shall be crazy and butterflies will invade my stomach that day. I know, because I just know it.

Lesson yesterday was extremely drilling, in terms of physical and mental. Lesson was extended an hour longer, and my arms - which are terribly lacking of stamina - were in pain the whole evening. Maybe it's because I strained myself when playing. It's not even the real day yet, how to pull it off on December 4th in this case?

I actually tried my best not to screw when I played yesterday. I honestly did tried very hard, and overall, I think, it was okay to me. At least, the wrong notes and slips were minimal. But when my teacher told me that my performance was altogether disappointing, I was devastated. It's like I could kill myself that moment.

And at that moment, I thought of giving up.

It's so sad to hear that...when I tried my best, it turned out sour and disapproving. I really tried my best.

But, luckily teacher did all she could to correct me.

"Oh, rupanya problemnya kat body movement saya."

And from 1430 till 1700 yesterday, I was sharpening my performance. I gained confidence bit by bit again. I built and fixed those broken pieces. I felt as if I can do it again. Its like, I can slay December 4th now. :)

Double lessons next week. Intensive the week after. I can be a warrior by December 4th.

Thank God for the strength.

See? Isn't the December month like a prank?

Exceptional case for Boxing Day.

19.5 - 9.5 = 10.5

Can you feel the retardedness by just reading the equation?
It made me wonder what was I doing during exam. How can I actually do such funny mistakes...nyehh, I feel extremely retarded now.

I guess I picked the right/best time to come online. Everyone must be at that 3 hours BM tuition drill now - which results in me, being online alone. And I need to self-chat to make myself feel better. Or should I chat with Vincent?

Field trip : Mangrove Swamp at Tanjung Sepat.
That, class, is a mangrove swamp. Apparently, that is a very badly damaged estuarine which is the habitat for the Avicennia sp. the pioneer species in a mangrove swamp. It has long underground cable roots to enable it to anchor in the muddy soil and silt. What's more interesting is, it has breathing roots, we call pneumatophore which helps in gaseous exchange in the muddy soil. Yes, those stuff sticking out are its breathing roots.

As for the sunset, it is actually a refracted phenomenon. We actually see sun setting as a result of the refraction of light. Please refer to your Success book.

Gosh, it's time to de-info my brain!

Had one of the most fun weekend. Escape home and fleed from Civics book and went all the way to aunt's house in KL when mum warned me to stay at home to study.

For dinner, we headed to Tanjung Sepat. Went past KLIA, and we saw uncountable aeroplanes on our way.

I guessed I haven't told anyone how fascinated I can be by just seeing airplanes.
Yeeaaa, I have a sense of fascination for planes.

Okay, my mind is blind now...

1. Monday, futsal.
2. Read The Time Traveller's Wife from Kenneth.
3. Practice the piano...for God's sake! T.T
4. Practice piano.
5. Practice piano.
6. Practice piano.
7. Practice piano.
8. Practice piano.
9. Practice piano.
10. Practice piano.
11. Practice piano.
12. Practice piano.
13. Practice piano.
14. Practice piano.
15. Practice piano.
16. Practice piano.
17. Practice piano.
18. Practice piano.
19. Practice piano.
20. Practice piano.
21. Practice piano.
22. Practice piano.
23. Practice piano.
24. Practice piano.
25. Practice piano.
26. Practice piano.
27. Practice piano.
28. Practice piano.
29. Practice piano.
30. Practice piano.
31. Practice piano.
32. Practice piano.
33. Practice piano.
34. Practice piano.
35. Practice piano.
36. Practice piano.
37. Practice piano.
38. Practice piano.
39. Practice piano.
40. Practice piano.
41. Practice piano.
42. Practice piano.
43. Practice piano.
44. Practice piano.
45. Practice piano.
46. Practice piano.
47. Eh, Kevin Cheng going SP on Sunday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMMMMMMMGGGGGGG 0.0

I witnessed it.

Been sitting in front of the laptop the whole day.

Went out for lunch and I witnessed a theft near Taman Tasik Wawasan, I guessed that's the name. Well, I saw this guy, with his hair dyed to gold, you know, like those you'd probably labelled as "kam mou". He was running, and he was chased by two smaller kids.

I supposed the two kids were playing basketball there. Poor them, I'm very sure the incident that happened was that "kam mou" stole one of the kid's bag and ran of to his partner's motor and off they went.

I was glancing and more like staring at that evil fellow, he glanced back. Hope he doesn't remember me.

I saw the motor's number plate.

Dad reported to the police booth near my place, and they couldn't do anything you know?

It went across my mind, why do people want to steal things?

For God's sake, get a life! They're just kids lah!